A Growing Grace…At Home

“…and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”  Titus 2:4-5

Travis and I made a big decision in the past few months.  After the devastating loss of our  unborn child in December, God has gifted us with another little one due to arrive in November.  For the last year and a half, I was working part-time at our church while our firstborn played happily at Grandma’s house.  However, we believe that God has led us with this new baby to arrange for me to stay at home with the kids.  I have now officially been unpaid, though still happily employed as wife and Mommy, for the last three weeks.  A new season.

Each life season has been significant for me spiritually.  I spent 15+ years in Bible college, seminary and on the mission field as a single woman.  The opportunity to grow in Christ was immense in that context.  As a newlywed, having been married not quite 3 years, I have found a new training ground for godliness, particularly as my goodness (or lack thereof!) is revealed in almost constant light in close quarters with my wonderful husband.  Perhaps the deepest grace growth is taking place in my heart through our four pregnancies- two losses, one very difficult pregnancy and labor that brought us our beautiful baby girl and now,  another pregnancy that has happily left the “I live on bathroom floor” stage and has moved to the sore muscles-constant heartburn stage. My battle with fear, anxiety and neediness through these difficult days has been a wonderful place to learn how much I depend utterly on the Lord’s mercy and how unable I am to control my own sanctification.

Now, I enter the season of stay-at-home-mom.  I anticipate this season, because I feel a kinship with so many women who have gone before me in the centuries.  When the Bible was written, being a stay-at-home-mom wasn’t really a special privilege or choice in a long list of career options.  It was pretty much a given for most people.  I have no issue with women in the workplace- I was one myself until a few days ago!- but I still relish the challenge that comes with taking on this ancient calling.

Some of it scares me.  I have a personality that doesn’t do mundane and routine very well.  While I might be able to be the Mommy that works to make everything “fun”, I also get impatient and dissatisfied when there’s too much of the same thing.  I need God to grow me in that.  I also am afraid that I won’t be intentional enough with my daughter and our new little one.  I worry that I won’t adequately  communicate God’s love and mercy, along with His righteous ways.  I know in these recognitions of my weakness that God wants to reveal His strength through me- the very woman He chose to bless with these lovely, imperfect, image-of-God-bearers.

As I jump into this new adventure (as we ENFPs are so happy to do), I am praying for wisdom, for godly counsel and for a true oneness of heart with my husband in our parenting.  I am already printing out daily schedules, prepping Jesus-centered preschool curriculum,  getting my FlyLady cleaning routines down and planning extra time in the Word to prepare for mentoring relationships and the Bible study God will inevitably prompt me to write.  Yet, in all of the fun newness and anticipation, I desire to leash in my heart toward humility.  I must stay aware of how far in grace I need to grow to fulfill my mission of being a godly “keeper at home”.  I know that our Lord was faithful to bring me to this place and He will be faithful to perform His work in me.  I’m sure there will be days that I cry, and even kick and scream along the path of growth, reminding me more of my toddler than of the dignified, gracious woman I long to be.  But He is the patient, loving Parent I am seeking to model myself after, and I know that my Father will get me there, in His time.

On to the next season!