Since we lost our first baby to miscarriage at six weeks in October 2014, I have been struggling with fear. We were pregnant again fast, in November, and have since welcomed our beautiful Eva Millie who is nearly 4 months old. She has been wonderfully healthy and happy, yet I was finding myself sometimes paralyzed by the fear that I could lose her. That fear grew and after the birth of my child, I was often in tears. Instead of enjoying our precious moments together as a young family, I worried. Every time I got sick, I would wonder if God would take me from my little family. Every time my husband left the house, I thought I might never see him again. Every time I put my baby to bed, I was tempted to hover over her to see if God had taken her from me in her sleep.
I didn’t want to feel this way. I prayed and prayed for peace and my mind would come back to two realities.
- Any of those things could very well happen.
- God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. 1 Timothy 1:7
I searched my heart and Scripture looking for relief from my fears. I listened to music and Psalms that were meant to refocus my heart on God. I asked God to show me what was my hangup that kept me from peace. You see, it wasn’t as easy as “Trust God.” I needed healing and I didn’t even know it.
At our church, our pastor often says that if we are having sin and despair, the problem is that we either do not trust that God is powerful or we do not trust that He is good. Or both. I realized that I did trust that He was powerful. I knew He could and would do whatever He wanted. But I knew bad things happen. I had seen it a thousand times in my life and others. And I had felt it most truly in the loss of our honeymoon baby we never had the chance to know.
One night, a few weeks ago, I was riding in the car with my husband and we were discussing my overwhelming fear. We had both been praying that God would deliver me from it, and Travis had some profound insight. He mentioned to me that I had never shared with him (or anyone) the actual physical experience of my miscarriage and the feelings I had gone through. I had cried and grieved the loss of our child, but I had never put to words the traumatic experience of actually having that child leave my body. I broke down sobbing and finally shared the details with him of that terrible day. I lost the baby during our second wedding reception (a month after our wedding). I was wearing my wedding gown and meeting dozens of new friends and family. It was a nightmare.
As I opened up this gaping, unhealed wound, I began to see healing come. I realized that all of my fear for the lives of my family stemmed from this reality- I had lost a child. God let that happen.
So now what? How would I grow past my fear into power, love and a sound mind? I knew I needed to learn again how to trust God’s love for me and for my family. Since that day, God has slowly been delivering me from my fears and renewing my trust in Him. Yet, the terrorism experienced globally this week has revived many of them, and I’m sure I’m not alone in that.
Today, the Lord brought to light an illustration from my life that showed me where my heart needs to be. We have a (nearly) four month old baby daughter, Eva, and a (nearly) seven month old baby English bulldog, Winston. Both of them trust me completely. They know I love them. They never doubt it.
Now, sometimes, Eva has to wait to be fed. She has to go to bed when she wants to dance. She has to get in her carseat when she’d rather not. She gets upset with me. She cries. She even screams at times. But I know what she needs. I never forget about her. I am always looking out for her. And the beautiful thing is, when I go to her and hold her, feed her or free her from her carseat captivity, she is all smiles. She is ready to accept my love and provision. She doesn’t hold it against me that she had to wait or that she didn’t get what she believes she needed. She doesn’t lie awake at night wondering if I will be there for her in the morning, or if I will take away everything she loves. She trusts me. I gave up my body for her. I’d give up my life for her. Somehow, she intuitively knows that.
Winston is pretty much the same. I have to discipline him a lot. He gets squirted with a water bottle when he’s naughty. He has to go in his crate when I go to work and to sleep at night. He isn’t allowed to have Eva’s pacifier or Sophie giraffe, even though he wants them so badly. But he never stops trusting me and even adoring me. He’d follow me anywhere and delights just to sit with me for a little while. He lives for it, really.
And all of that faith, from Eva and Winston, is placed in little ole, fallible me. (Thank God I know He is taking care of them when I fail!)
That’s the kind of faith that I need to relieve me of my fears. The faith of my child and my puppy dog. The faith that knows I am loved and that my Father is able. The faith that believes that even if it doesn’t feel good or even if it takes longer than I’d hoped, He will rush in and save me when I need Him. He will be there. He is fully invested in me. After all, He gave His life for me.
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?